Is your relationship 'toxic' or is your partner just human? How to tell.
He takes three hours to text back? Toxic. She criticizes your obsession with baseball? Toxic.
The word "toxic" has swept the cultural lexicon in recent years, even getting hailed the word of the year by Oxford Dictionaries in 2018. As a result, mental health experts say people have become much quicker to label others toxic, even when they may not be.
Though greater awareness of abusive dynamics is a good thing, experts say it's important to know what a toxic relationship actually is in order to discern if it's what you're experiencing. After all, every relationship has its challenges − but that doesn't mean all are toxic.
What is a toxic relationship?
In short, a toxic relationship is one that chips away at your mental, emotional and spiritual health over time. It can also impact your physical wellbeing by contributing to chronic stress.
Some signs of a toxic relationship − such as physical, sexual or verbal abuse − are obvious and should immediately cause someone to end a relationship or plan a safe exit strategy; however, others signs − such as devaluation, disrespect or lack of accountability − can be harder to spot.
Truly toxic relationships involve longstanding patterns of behavior and usually revolve around control, says Stephanie Sarkis, a psychotherapist and author of "Healing from Toxic Relationships: 10 Essential Steps to Recover from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse."
"This isn't just that the two of you are having issues discussing a topic, and it's important to both of you," she says. "This is different. This is where someone is trying to gain control and power over you. A lot of toxicity in relationships is about power and control."
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What a toxic relationship is not, she says, is an isolated instance, a respectful disagreement or someone not acting like themselves.
Sometimes life circumstances can also make someone appear toxic when in fact they are not. This can happen if someone is experiencing a significant loss, a great deal of stress or mental health challenges, says Chelsey Cole, a psychotherapist and author of "If Only I'd Known: How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth."
Struggles with active listening and stating needs and wants are also common relationship challenges and not intrinsically toxic, Sarkis says.
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What also makes toxic relationships confusing is they can be relative. For instance, someone can have a toxic relationship with you, while still having healthy relationships with others in their life.
It's also possible for a relationship to start off healthy and turn toxic or vice versa.
"Whether a relationship remains toxic or not has a lot to do with someone's willingness to see your point of view, respect your boundary and adjust their behavior," Cole says.
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How to tell if a relationship is toxic
If spending time with someone makes you feel physically sick or otherwise worse about yourself, that could very well indicate it's a toxic relationship.
Here are questions to ask yourself to help discern if a relationship is toxic:
- Does your partner own their bad behavior or make excuses? Nobody is perfect, but a non-toxic person can own their mistakes, acknowledge what they did was wrong and work to be better. Toxic people blame others. Cole says, "A toxic person consistently makes excuses."
- How do you feel most of the time in the relationship? "Are there more times you feel respected than disrespected?" Cole says. "If it's a toxic relationship, there will be more negative behaviors."
- What do your non-toxic friends and family say? If your non-toxic friends and family express concern about your relationship, pay attention, Sarkis says.
- How does your partner react when you share your concerns? Cole advises using "I" statements, such as "I feel sad," when communicating your experience of the relationship to your partner. "Are they willing and able to see your point of view?" she says. "The big difference between healthy and toxic relationships is that, in healthy relationships, you can agree to disagree and you can see the same situation differently and still be respectful and compassionate."
- Has there been growth? Has your partner made clear, concrete strides in their behavior? "See how you feel in a few weeks, a few months," Cole says. "Do you feel any differently toward the person, the relationship? Do you still feel like the relationship is toxic?"
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